Wake-Up Call

My computer design class has given us a few chances to actually be creative.  In this last assignment we were required to create a file with an artist, their name, a background image, lyrics, and an image that related to the band/lyrics.  Rather than be serious and choose a band and album I currently like, I reached way back into my past and pulled out Petra.

Petra. Was. Awesome.

I loved them. And I couldn’t do anything but cheese it up with this assignment. Here is the result, one that I thought was hilarious:

Unfortunately, none of my classmates had ever heard of Petra, so the full effect was somewhat lost. At least I enjoyed making it and remembering my past.

Matt Hires

Tonight I heard a Matt Hires song “Out of the Dark” at the end of a Grey’s episode [yes, I'm still watching it despite my rant several weeks back]. Without listening to it before hand, I bought the entire album. And even though I have only owned it for an hour and a half, I’m enjoying it.

I can’t place exactly who he sounds like, but I want to say there’s a little Michael Stipe in his voice. I could be totally off on that though. Maybe some Adam Duritz? Who knows…

That’s the best video I could find since there is apparently no official video. Enjoy. Let me know if you can think of someone he sounds like.

Um, Hi.

Without writing down all the details, I’ll just say that it has been a completely sad-heart week. And though it was Friday today, leaving only two more days before I start a new week, I have yet to find peace or joy. I’ve fought with my emotions all week. My anxieties, my fears, my sadness, and my loneliness all seemed to override the small moments of encouragement, contentedness, and hope.

I’ve slept very little because when I lay here in the dark my mind races with junk that only hurts my heart more. How do you just stop loving someone? Why can’t I just walk away, start healing and live my life again? Why does it still hurt this much? Why do I continue to hold onto to something that isn’t there?

“Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.

It isn’t just death we have to grieve; it’s life, it’s loss, it’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad, the thing you’ve got to try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.

Grief comes at its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the worst part of grief, is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is to try and let ourselves feel it when it comes, and let it go when we can.

The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five: denial. anger. bargaining. depression. acceptance.”

-Grey’s Anatomy

By Your Side

I have been fighting to overcome my doubt and fear of the unknown. This is unbelievably hard to do when you have a heart that is angry and discontent.

I don’t know what to do with my life right now. I don’t know my purpose.

I don’t want to be in school, and I’m not satisfied with my job. My heart longs to know love and be in a relationship. I want to be married.  And because of those desires, it becomes difficult to not envy what others have been given. There are many days when it’s really hard to not feel left behind when I see friends getting married, starting families and buying homes. Even being in Kentucky was tricky for my heart because I saw the relationship between Jenn & Nick and their family. They’re surrounded by a tight-knit community, lots of love and they have each other to lean on. I want that.

I long for all of that.

So then today comes along, one where I have a sad heart with unrequited love. It had been a long, unpleasant day, the kind where it’s just one thing after another. On my drive home, I just started to cry. I had a CD playing because my iPod was at home and the nano’s battery died in class, and I wasn’t really paying attention to it. But as I sat there crying at the light at 34th & Indiana, a new song started…

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face,
Just don’t turn away.

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run,
To where will you run.

Because I’ll be by your side,
Wherever you fall.
In the dead of night,
Whenever you call.
And please don’t fight,
These hands that are holding you.
My hands are holding you.

“By Your Side” - Tenth Avenue North

God knows when His children are hurting and He never fails with His compassions. He knew what I needed to hear at that exact moment and how to calm my heart and ease the pain of not knowing the answers to all the “whys” that are swimming around my head. So if you think about it, say a little prayer for me that I would trust God rather than strive in vain.

[For those who care to hear the song here's a link to the least obnoxious "By Your Side" video I could find.]