Disgusting Habits

Sunday, God used a really despicable event to teach me a lesson about myself and His love.

Penny eats her poop. She really loves to eat it, too. It’s really disgusting, right? Right. No question there; it turns my stomach to think about it, let alone to see it.

So in the afternoon after Mamaw & Sheeby had left the house to run errands, I went into the living room to get the P Pants and bring her back to my room. I turned the corner just in time to see her hunched over her business, enjoying one.

Wow. I didn’t even have to say anything because as soon as we made eye contact, she tucked her tail and ran behind the sofa just out of reach. I started to yell and scream while trying to pull her out to give her a good swat, when suddenly I was struck by the situation.

I have been acting just like Penny.

That verse in the Bible about how a puppy returns to its vomit immediately jumped into my head. How could something so vile be so attractive? Why would you want to return to something that made you so sick in the first place?

Now look at my life. How many times do I return to the same spot of wanting and longing after something that is making me sick? And then when I get caught loving on whatever idea I’ve decided is best for me, I run with my tail tucked, afraid of punishment, sad that I cannot finish doing what I want.

But God isn’t like me [thank goodness!] He’s not screaming at me or chasing me around the room trying to swat me! He’s the complete opposite: He’s patient with me. He continually pours out grace and mercy on me. So while I may stumble and fall, He’s there to pick me up and continues to show me the goodness of His love.

The Aftermath

The hard thing about breakups is learning to live again.

It’s hard when you realize how intertwined your lives had been, and its so painful trying to pick yourself up and get going when everywhere you turn there’s some type of reminder.

For me this list includes pretty much everything online that I do. Reminders are in my computer, the fact that I use a Mac, and things in my room to the purse I carry or the little pearl ring I don’t wear anymore. So much of everything has a story attached to Regan in some way, however small or seemingly insignificant.

Even tougher still are the friendships formed during the 2 years we knew each other and dated. This weekend two friends that I met through Regan, Stephen and Suzanne, are getting married. There is no way I can go to their wedding knowing that Regan will be there. The rejection he’s made known through email and stupid websites that I put too much stock in, can only lead me to believe the face-to-face rejection would be unbearable.

I met Suzanne the night I met Regan at the Macon Greyson after party, we hung out a few times before he left for the Culinary, but we really got to know each other recently when I rode with her to Haley’s bachelorette party in March. I’ve been looking forward to their wedding since she first told me about it, but I don’t want to go and make things awkward. I also don’t want to go and just be sad because I’m not there with the person I would have wanted to be there with originally.

It’s so…sad. And it’s hard to realize that he is in the same town as me, but not calling me and not wanting to see me.

But I can’t let it get me down. So I’m praying that God will keep me occupied and busy, keeping my mind focused on Him and His lovingkindnesses so that I don’t grieve so hard this weekend. I hope you’ll keep me in your prayers, too.

I was fortunate enough to see Suzanne last night at her bachelorette party. She’s been so nice to me from the start, and it really breaks my heart that I can’t share in their festivities tomorrow.

This picture makes me laugh because she was really into singing some song about being a flamingo [Violent Femmes, perhaps?]. I think we took like twelve of these but all were really close-up where you couldn’t see our flamingo legs. Oh, Suz…

Anyway, while I’m not there physically, I’m still thinking about them. Here’s to Stephen and Suzanne and a wonderful & blessed life together!

I guess I am all talk.

After a successful weekend of getting out to Dallas and finding a new place to live, I literally crumbled to a crying heap on my bed last night when I realized that maybe what I want isn’t what God wants for me. It’s a hard truth to come to grips with.

Everyone knows by now about Regan and I breaking up. We kept talking for a while, and I kept thinking it would work itself out. It always had before, so why wouldn’t it now? He continued to say he loved me, and then one day he stopped. He refused to tell me anymore. The whole month I had been asking him to tell me one way or another about getting back together and to stop saying “i don’t know” or “i need more time to think.”

That moment finally came last week, in an email. After two years of dating and talking about love and someday marriage, the best he could do was email me. I haven’t heard from him since; not by phone, texting, or email. His letter, still riddled with unknowns and uncertainty for the future, was more or less that answer I had been looking for.

By the time I received the email Wednesday night, I had already begun writing a similar email to him about my decision to not travel to Dallas to see him. No one wants to feel unwanted and like they are a nuisance, and that’s how he had treated me the night before; like i was the biggest damn problem in his life and such an inconvenience on him with my “stupid questions.” I had decided Wednesday afternoon that I would still go and check out UTA and look at apartments, and as hard as it was going to be to not see him, I just wasn’t going to allow myself to be treated so rudely by the person I loved the most.

Then came the email. I had a strange peace and calmness when I read it. I didn’t cry or desire to write him back, call him, or even send on my email that I had written earlier in the day. I just kept on moving, making my plans to travel minus Regan.

I realized I needed to make this decision about moving without Regan because it needed to be about what I wanted to do and not what he wanted me to do. Besides, he had just told me via email that he wanted me to leave him alone. Sadly for me, I latched onto two different parts of his email: “I’m very happy that you’ve chosen to move and start school. While it could possibly be a good thing later on that you’re closer, ….” and “By all means, that still could be a bright, wonderful future for us, but not right this second.”

When I read those, I more or less processed the thought, “Okay. No for now. But maybe later…so moving just got one more point on the pro list.” I went and found an amazing little apartment that seems unreal. I explored UTA campus, and decided I actually liked it. I was confident for once that I really could do this, with or without Regan. I felt empowered and thankful that God had led me to this place in my life.

Then last night happened. I went to Regan’s Facebook page and I noticed that the number of pictures of him had dropped. I clicked on it to further investigate, and I was overwhelmed when I realized he had deleted every single picture of me. Every. single. picture. It was like I had been stabbed in my heart. Here, the guy I loved had done everything in his ability to get rid of me as a memory. He had left the photo albums of when I came to visit and of his graduation where I was present, but no picture of me was there. All proof of our dating gone. Even pictures of the night we met. Pictures taken during the month up to us dating. He deleted messages from me, too. And profile pictures of us. Everything. Everything was gone, and I just cried.

Why? Why was I suddenly reduced to a lifeless pile of tears? Was it because it was the ultimate act of getting rid of our life together, all our memories?

Yes. That and because I realized that again I had been hoping in Regan to make me feel better. I took my eyes off God for one minute and I plummeted to the ground, scratched my knees and bruised my tender heart.

My eyes were opened at that moment to see that if Regan really had intended on us talking and dating again in the future then why would he delete those precious memories? It was that instance when you realize you’re really not wanted anymore. He’s moved on, Whitney. You’re not the one he wants to spend his life with. That ring he told you about, the one he said he bought? Well, it’s not going to be for you after all.

And then, I began to get angry with God. Why would He lead me to meet Regan and fall in love with him and suffer two years of a long distance relationship? Why allow my heart to get torn up and beaten this way? Why would He let his children suffer like this?? How can this be for my benefit?

But I have to remember that this line of thinking is very human, very mortal. Very self-centered. And it’s very hard to not think this way, it’s what sin has done to our minds. I just have to remember that I am a precious child of God, and that all of this is for my good. It is for my benefit that I am being forced to decide to either sit here in a hopeless depression or to cry out for mercy and grace and put myself fully into God’s hands.

It is so hard. So unbelievably and horribly hard.

Jennifer wrote me a prayer this morning, taken from Colossians. I’ve been praying it because otherwise I would be totally consumed by sadness and despair.

Fill Whit with the knowledge of Your will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that she may walk in a manner worthy of You, fully pleasing to You, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of You! Strengthen her with all power according to Your glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to You, Father, who has qualified her to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. You have delivered her from the domain of darkness and transferred her to the kingdom of Your beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins!

I’m not really sure now if I’ll actually move. Now I’m the one who just needs time to think. Time to decide on where God is leading me, or, maybe, where He is wanting me to stay.

Name them One by One

Today at Redeemer, Dusty encouraged us to count our blessings. It seemed like a good idea, so I’m going to try my hand at it.

Dear God,
Thank you for:

* the tangible things you’ve given [shelter, food, belongings, transportation; and all this in abundance].
* the intangible things such as your endless grace, peace, love, and mercy.
* giving me a supportive and loving family.
* giving me supportive and loving friends.
* giving me the seemingly happenstance opportunities to meet with friends that give encouragement.
* making Your Word readily available and the opportunity to fellowship with others.

and even more specifically:

* giving me my sister, Jennifer, who encouraged me with Your scripture and prayers.
* giving me my Moma Nancy, who is praying and loving me when I’m difficult.
* giving me my Mamaw who never ceases to show me love in everything she does, gives me scriptural advice, and prays for me constantly.
* giving me a friend like Morgan who has been here for me, encouraging me, praying for me, listening to me, keeping me accountable, and being, as Dusty said, “Your hands and feet” sent to help me.
* helping me with my thoughts, actions, and words.
* teaching me Your ways, obedience, and how to depend on You.
* and loving me through all my faults.

Make me know Your ways, O LORD; Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; For You I wait all the day.
Remember , O LORD, Your compassion and Your lovingkindnesses, For they have been of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth or my transgressions; According to Your lovingkindnesses remember me, For Your goodness’ sake, O LORD.
- Psalm 25:4-7