I cried today.
It was the first time in over a week. It was another emotional day for me at Redeemer, where Dusty’s words cut through to my innermost thoughts and feelings. It’s confusing and scary being in a place where you don’t know what to do and when you are so parallelized by the fear of social judgment.
I feel like I’m letting everyone down…and I haven’t even made a solid decision yet.
If I move, I’m letting people here in Lubbock down. If I don’t, I’m letting people there down. This may not really be the case, but it’s how I feel. And the really annoying part is that I still don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.
I flip-flop daily.
One hour I feel like moving is a mistake, that I wouldn’t be able to find a job or I’d be depressed and alone. Then I think if I stay, I’ll probably never get to the point where I’ll be willing to move and start something new. I’m unhappy in my job and there are so many mornings where I don’t even want to get out of bed because the idea of going there makes me sick. However, I still have some job security and no financial burdens like paying for utilities & rent.
I guess if I weigh it carefully, staying here & going to school, getting a new job and anything that goes with that is my safest/best bet. I am still hung up on the fact that I put a deposit on that seemingly perfect apartment in Arlington, but I don’t have much longer to waffle on whether I’m staying or going. I don’t think it’s fair.
So maybe the people who keep saying that I’m not really ready are right. Maybe I’m not ready to do this. Maybe I’ll try again in six months. Maybe a year. Maybe never.
Who knows.
