Beams of Heaven

Beams of heaven as I go,
through the wilderness below,
guide my feet in peaceful ways,
turn my midnights into days.
When in the darkness I would grope,
faith always sees a star of hope,
and soon from all life’s grief and danger
I shall be free someday.
I shall be free someday.

Often times my sky is clear,
joy abounds without a tear;
though a day so bright begun,
clouds may hide tomorrow’s sun.
There’ll be a day that’s always bright,
a day that never yields to night,
and in its light the streets of glory
I shall behold someday.
I shall behold someday.

Harder yet may be the fight;
right may often yield to might;
wickedness a while may reign;
Satan’s cause may seem to gain.
But there’s a God that rules above
with hand of power and heart of love;
and if I’m right, he’ll fight my battle,
I shall have peace someday.
I shall have peace someday.

Burdens now may crush me down,
disappointments all around;
troubles speak in mournful sigh,
sorrow through a tear-stained eye.
There is a world where pleasure reigns,
no mourning soul shall roam its plains,
and to that land of peace and glory
I shall want to go someday.
I shall want to go someday.

-Charles Tindley

I fought and I lost.

You don’t always win your battles, but it’s good to know you fought.
-John Greenleaf Whittier

Not that it really matters anymore, and I do appreciate the encouragement from the previous post, but I’ve made my mind up.

I’m not moving.

I may someday go through this again, and choose to go to a place where I have more opportunities, but I know that I cannot go to Arlington right now. My broken heart is too fragile to deal with thoughts that I decided on this move originally for Regan and now he’s not in my life. I picked UTA because it was the closest to him, which is now the reason why I can’t move there.

I’ve looked for a job; I even applied several places. I have now received rejection emails/letters from every single place. So I’m back at square one: I have school and an apartment to pay for, but no income to do this.

I know I’m not ready, and I’m sorry and sad that I ever put hope into this situation. I’m mad at myself for believing I could fix something with a move. And I’m upset because I didn’t catch on sooner about his feelings for me. I want to be over this immediately; to move on with my life.

I just don’t understand why I’m having to go through this. For my good, I know, but it’s hard to believe that right now, right this moment as I’m heartbroken, confused, and lost.