Another bad day.

I did something today that I’m not exactly proud of and wasn’t really happy to do, but I felt I needed to do it to try to keep moving on. It was instigated by listening to other people’s opinions, and now I kinda regret it. ugh.

Why can’t I just not feel anything anymore? Why do I keep doing things that just make me upset?

I’ve been backing things up on my different computers, especially taking “personal” files off of my work computer since I’ll most likely be switching offices by August. I stupidly decided to start reading emails, and it has left me honestly dumbfounded on how things turned out as sour as they did when it was so sweet and beautiful in the beginning. How can someone say all the things that he said? How could I buy into it so whole-heartedly? Why couldn’t I have given up sooner?

I know the “answers” to these questions, but I just needed to get it out there. It’s so frustrating. Right now I’m at a place where I’m not doing something because I was afraid of being upset and alone in a new place. As I sat there and read some of the old messages, I was reminded of how I gave up things I wanted in order to continue to be in a stupid, failing relationship. And what was the point?? Now I’m right back where I was, only this time I’m two years older. Without a house. Without a relationship. Without things I wanted so badly.

I still have a way to walk before I’ll be able to consider myself “okay.”