I’ll admit that in the past week or so I have felt better, or at least more stable. I still haven’t been sleeping well, but I’m sure it’s another thing that will come with time and healing.
Some days I wake up and I hope with all of my heart that this has all been a terrible dream. When I realize it has happened and Regan’s not in my life anymore, I’m filled with that all too familiar pain, aching, and sadness. It’s hard to believe he didn’t want me in his life anymore, and that he didn’t want to try to make it work. It’s still hard to believe it’s really over.
Maybe I would feel differently if I felt like I’d had closure from the entire ordeal. But so far, I feel like breaking up has been the biggest mistake for both of us. In my heart of hearts, at the deepest core of who I am, I feel that this is all so wrong. I don’t want it to be over.
I’m sure most people knew this, maybe even thought it themselves, but I really truly believed I would marry Regan. He was unlike any boyfriend I had ever dated, unlike any guy I really knew. I felt deeply connected to him from the first time we met. He made me feel comfortable and at ease. I was so thankful that God had brought us together, and, as cheesy and cliché as it may be, I remember when we listened to Rascal Flatt’s Bless the Broken Road as we drove through the countryside one night, I realized how I really felt about Regan. We both had piles of emotional baggage, but there was a bigger reason behind us meeting than just random chance; God had orchestrated it perfectly. Even through our fights and mini break-ups, I thought I had found the “one.” When things were hard and I wanted out, he would tell me to keep trying, and I did. It seems silly now, but we talked about seeing into the future, way down the road when we would be married and happy and even more in love.
My heart desires more than anything to be married and to share my life with someone. Obviously, that’s not in God’s plan right now, and sometimes that’s hard to cope with when all I see are friends around me getting married and engaged, sharing lives with someone who really loves them and who they love back equally. I want that.
I want it so badly.
I’m praying for peace, and more importantly, that the Lord would align my heart’s desires with His perfect and pleasing Will. I want to desire God above all things, to have obedience to follow Him, to trust in Him and believe that He really is working all things for my good.
